Today is a new day...

After writing all of that out yesterday, a lot of crying, and some prayer, I am feeling a little better today.  I have group Bible study today, I know that will help me too.  I'm sure that a lot of my problem right now is exhaustion and horomones.  The problem with that, is that it is going to get worse before it gets better.  I know how demanding a newborn is and with a 1 year old to care for as well, it is going to be tough.  I was depressed after my second child was born and I REALLY don't want to go through that again.  It lasted way too long!  I had her in February and was still suffering from post partum depression when my best friend announced she and her family (who where my neighbors at the time) were moving 5 hours away.  That drug on until  after they moved in November.  Hopefully that is not going to happen again but of course, I fear the worst.  For know, I am going to look on the bright side and take my days one at a time.  Hopefully there will be more good days than bad!

Lord, please help to always try to find the good in my life.  I know that you will not give me more than I can handle.  I am your child and I know you want nothing but the best for me and my family.  Please help me to remember that as I go through the next few months of pregnancy and endless Dr. appointments.  Oh, and Lord, if you could try to control my hormones a little more, I would greatly appreciate it!  In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Life as it is for emotional me

As hard as it may be for me to admit, I am currently battling with my depression.  I hate to admit it but I know I have to.  I have had boughts of depression for years but this time I feel so alone.  I know I am not alone and yet here I sit, as lonely as can be. 

I have my children here and they are amazing, I am extremely thankful for them and blessed to have them in my life.  But, they are kids, they don't understand, I can't let them know how bad I am hurting inside.  That wouldn't be fair to them.

I have my husband of 11 years.  I thank God everyday for him but where is he?  He is at work, of course he is, he is always gone.  I am greatful that he is such a hard worker but I yearn for his attention.  I want ALL of his attention - not the in between phone calls, during commercials, call to ask if I've paid a bill attention that I regularly get.  I want REAL attention, the kind I used to get, before marriage, before kids, before life happened.  I want the husband who would actually help around the house a little and not expect me to do everything myself.

I have my friends, well kind of.  I have friends but lately, everyone seems so distant.  I am told I can rely on them but when I NEED a sitter, I ask and ask and nobody is available to to help.  This isn't everytime but lately, I have had a lot of Dr. appointments and had to rely on others to help with my little guy and the help isn't available. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect everyone to drop everything to watch Levi and some of my friends I won't even ask because they have infants. I am just scared that I am going to end up on bedrest or have a c-section and have no one there.  Sure, they will drop off food but how am I going to take care of the kids and Norvin and keep it all together?

I am probably sounding overly dramatic but this pregnancy has me out of my mind!  My placenta is lying extremely low so I am on "pelvic rest" which according to my friend that is a OB Nurse Practitioner/Midwife basically means glorified bedrest.  No sex, or sexual stimulation at all, no lifting, no exercise, and should be laying down keeping stress off of my pelvis as much as possible.  Did I mention I have a 18 month old - that doesn't walk!?!!?  I have heart palpataions at least 10 times a day which I was monitored for and told it is nothing to stress over but Oh My Goodness is it Annoying!  The other thing that both my Dr and I worry about is the fact that I have an auto immune disease which causes its own problems for me outside of pregnancy.  I am tired of feeling ugly because of the gross patches of skin and terrible dandruff that I can't control!  I am also tired of crying in pain when my 1 year old bumps my fingers or my husband accidentally kicks my toes in bed.  I am so in love with the baby boy in my belly but I am also afraid of how my body is going to respond once he gets here.  Not to mention the fact that Norvin rarely helps me with children under the age of 1.  How am  I going to do this?

Sorry for the ranting but I really needed to get it off my chest.  I am going to pray, maybe that will help.

Where have I been?

Okay, so I realize that it has been WAY TOO LONG since I have blogged on here and I know it is something that I need to do. 

So, where have I been? 

I have been living through the first twelve nausiating weeks of pregnancy.  This for me has been kind of crazy.  This is my fourth child.  I have always wanted four children so this is not a problem.  The problem for me is that this pregnancy wasn't planned by me.  Obviously, this is God's plan, and I am okay with that, now.  For the first month or so, I was definetly in denial.  I knew within just days that I was pregnant but had to wait for my missed period to be sure and even then, I was still in denial.  I was throwing up and still in denial.  I had a positive test (very light but positive no less) and I was still in denial. 

The main reason I think I was having such a hard time digesting this very exciting news was simply that our house isn't finished.  We have only two finished bedrooms in our home,  I already have three kids...  The girls share a room and the little guy (15 months) sleeps in a playpen in our room.  I keep saying that we need to give him a bed in the girls' room but it hasn't actually happened.  I really need to make this happen and soon.  I don't want him to feel like the baby (when he or she comes) is taking his bed.

There are plans underway to finish our upstairs and make a couple more bedrooms up there but it all takes time and money.  Neither of these are extremely plentiful for us right now.  Most likely, this will happen next summer, until then, we will live.  I know that there are plenty of families that have much less then we do and they live happily together, thanking God for what they do have.  So for know, I need to focus on just that, Thanking God for ALL of our blessings.

Lord, Thank you for my husband who works so hard that I am able to stay home with our beauftiful children.  Thank you for the three children that I hold everyday and for the baby growning in my belly.  Thank you for our home that protects us from this terrible heat.  Thank you for our land and the crops that grow on it.  Thank you for our animals and the happiness they provide.   Thank you for our extended family and friends, church family and a wonderful place to worship.  And thank you most of all  for sending your Son Jesus.  In his name I pray.  Amen

Sorry!

All right, so, I made a plan at the begining of the year to actually blog weekly and I obviously have not done that.  I am now motivated to get back to it.  My life has not been all that interesting the last few months anyway.

  I did go visit my sister and her family, thanks to my friend Holly.  That is one thing I can check off my list from the beginning of the year. 
 
We also have a much larger bank account thanks to a nice bonus that my husband earned at work. 

  I have been spending extra alone time with my husband also thanks to his work.  So far this year, they have sent us to a hotel in Bloomington overnight and on a weekend getaway to Iowa where we took in a Larry the Cable Guy show.  It is so great to be able to have that time reconnecting with my husband simply as Norvin and Leslii, not neccesarily as "Mom and Dad".  I love my husband!

I have not been perfect about calling my Grandma.  I have called a few times and what is even better is that I have made sure that each time I have been in town, I have made sure to stop in and see her.  As a matter of fact, we went to see her last night.  We did have to cut the visit short though, it was Bingo night!  :o)

Although to look at my house, you can't hardly see it, I have been purging.  Last week I took 7 bags of clothes to be donated.  I need to get rid of even more junk though.  I have made a plan with a good frined of mine to start watching Levi one day every other week so that I can get things done with out interupttions.  With it getting nice outside, I have lots of projects inside and out that need to get done!

Well, that is my blog for this week.  Hopefully I will get back on here again soon.

Challenge Update

We did have pizza Friday night.  I had sauce but I did have to buy some crust mix.  I also bought eggs that day for a total of about $3.50.

Saturday - Breakfast - Cereal
     Lunch - Chicken Patties
     Supper - I had supper at a friend's house as it was our monthly Bunco night
          Norvin - frozen burritos
          Alyson and Micaiah - Leftovers

Sunday - Breakfast - Bacon, eggs, and toast
     Lunch - Cheeseburgers, Tater Tots, Tomatoes, and Cottage Cheese
     Supper- we usually have popcorn but tonight we had ice cream sundaes with Strawberries that I had
           froze last Summer

I did buy a 2 liter of Pepsi on Saturday or $1.25 because I am a Pepsi addict.

That brings the grocery total for the week to approximately $5.00

So far, so good!


       

Freezer/Pantry Challenge

Recently, I was looking through my friends' blogs and came across one that has inspired me.  My friend Christine, aka "The Menu Mom" (http://www.themenumom.com/) is challenging her followers to live out of their freezers and pantrys for the entire month of January.  The goal of course is to come up with meals without buying a lot of extra groceries and therefor, saving money.  I didn't actually read about it until this past weekend but I jumped right in.  So far this week, the only money spent at the grocery store has been for a gallon of milk.  A grand total of about $4.00. 

I tend to keep a fairly well stocked pantry and my freezers are generally full as well.  You also have to keep in mind that we raise cattle and buy a whole pig every year from our neighbor.  This shouldn't be hard, I just have to follow through.  I will try to recall what I have made so far this week.

Sunday - we went to my sister-in-law's house for lunch to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday.  I had given her a 20lb ham to cook for the occasion so she sent some of the leftover ham with us.  Sunday night we had popcorn and ice cream, our usual.

Monday - Lunch -the kids were home for Martin Luther King's birthday -we went to my Aunt's
          house and she cooked us Swiss Steak.  Yummy! 
     Supper - Tacos

Tuesday - Lunch - leftover ham and a yogurt
     Supper - Cheesy Potato Soup and I added the leftover ham to it

Wednesday - Lunch - leftover soup
     Supper - pot roast with carrots and potatoes

Thursday - the girls were home from school due to ice
     Lunch - leftover soup again
     Supper - Mexican Chicken Casserole

Today I plan to have leftover pot roast for lunch, and I'm thinking homemade pizza for supper.  I know I have crust, sausage, and cheese.  I'll have to see if I have any sauce.

I also made a meal for my friend who recently had a baby which consisted of a homemade Chicken Pot Pie and Chocolate Chip Cookies.

I know I can do this I just have to keep it up so I have asked one of my friends to hold me accountable not only to not spending money on food but also to not buying anything that isn't Needed.

I'll let you know how it goes!

A week later....

Okay, it has been about a week since I updated this and I think it is time.

Last Wednesday was the visitation.  It went as well as it could.  I kept busy catching up with my cousins and taking care of my children.  There weren't a lot of non-family there and most of the people that came were elderly people that I didn't recognize.  One surprise that night was that my stepmom came.  I was pleasantly surprised by that.  My Dad didn't come but it was nice of Carol to stop by and the girls were excited to see her.

The funeral was a little different for me.  It was just familty and about a half dozen friends.  I didn't bring the girls with, just Norvin and Levi and me.  I started out in good spirits, joking with my cousins about my grandfather looking like he belongs in a western.  Then the uelogy began and a light hearted sermon aimed at non believers.  I had a hard time with the fact that most if not all of my family are non-church going people.  As I sat there I felt like Norvin and I were the only ones in the room that truely knew what the minister was saying.  I was sad.  I did shed some tears at the funeral.  I will miss my grandpa.  But, I definetly have a sense of peace as the heavy burden of my childhood has been lifted from me.

And, Thursday morning as I left the graveside, I touched my grandpa's coffin and forgave him for everything.
I am at peace and someday, just maybe, I will see him in heaven as the perfect grandfather that God had intended him to be here on Earth.

Today

I talked to my pastor today.  He made me feel a whole lot better about my schizofrenick way of dealing with my grandfathers death.  I am going to be okay.  It is going to be a process but one that needs to happen.  I'm not really sure what the rest of this week is going to bring but I do know that however it goes, I will be alright.  I have God carrying my through and he won't let me down.

Grandpa

Here I sit.  It's Sunday evening and I have a goal to blog every week.  This week there is so much to say, yet very little that I actually want to verbalize to the world. 

My grandfather died this week.  My grandpa has been ill for a long time. Once my Grandma died, his will to live was gone. He had multiple strokes and little medical care. My Aunt lived with him and did her best to care for him.  I took my children to see him just about a week ago and knew then that it sould probably be the last time I would see him alive.


It is a bitter sweet death for me.  I have very mixed emotions about him being gone.  Although, I know it would mortify my Mom that I am telling the world, I think I need to get these feelings out.  My grandpa was mostly a normal grandpa.  He taught me to ride a bike.  He always did the grocery shopping, sometimes he took me grocery shopping with him, and if I was good, we would stop for McDonalds.  He let me trim his beard.  He built me a swingset.  My Mom and Dad are divorced so he was the one that fixed things around our house and shoveled the sidewalks in the winter.

What a lot of people don't know is that my granfather was an alcoholic.  He would drink every other day.  All day every other day.  On those days, he wouldn't eat a morsel of food and sometimes he was mean.  Mostly, he was just obnoxious.  On many occasions, my grandfather touched me innappropriately.  I'm not sure what age it started but I know it didn't end until I was a teenager.  This also happened to my sister, I know because we have talked openly about it.  I told my Mom once about my sister and she didn't want to believe it.  I never told her about myself.  It is so much easier to talk about others than to admit it happened to you too.  I am grieving for my Mom losing the father she believed he was and yet, I can't wait to see his coffin in the ground. 

My sister lives in another state and isn't coming for the funeral.  She is pregnant and doesn't want the stress.  I can't blame her for that and yet I am angry with her for not being here with me.  I am upset with myself for not having the strength to talk to him about Jesus and not knowing whether he is in Heaven with much of me believing he must be in Hell.

I am sad that I have lost my grandpa and yet relieved that the man he was every other day is finally gone.

A goal for 2010

It's New Years Day. I am not the type of person to make Resolutions but I think I do want to make some goals for 2010. So here goes...



Spend time with God daily

Spend more one on one time with my girls

Go on a date with my husband at least once a month

Give Levi his own space in our house

Paint my kitchen and put up shelves

Help my husband construct an animal shed

Find my bedroom

Rearrange my girls' bedroom

Pay all of my bills on time

Visit my sister in Kentucky

Call my grandma bi-weekly

Have friends over at least once a month

Simplify our lives by purging stuff

Visit our friends in Missouri

Build a bigger savings account

Mail more cards to friends and family (I make them, now I need to send them)

Finish at least 1 layout per week for the kids' scrapbooks

Blog weekly

and, I'm sure there is more that I will think of later but Levi is crying and it is time for everyone to go to bed.

Hopefully, I will soon begin to check off my list.  ;o)