Thursday, October 7, 2010

Life as it is for emotional me

As hard as it may be for me to admit, I am currently battling with my depression.  I hate to admit it but I know I have to.  I have had boughts of depression for years but this time I feel so alone.  I know I am not alone and yet here I sit, as lonely as can be. 

I have my children here and they are amazing, I am extremely thankful for them and blessed to have them in my life.  But, they are kids, they don't understand, I can't let them know how bad I am hurting inside.  That wouldn't be fair to them.

I have my husband of 11 years.  I thank God everyday for him but where is he?  He is at work, of course he is, he is always gone.  I am greatful that he is such a hard worker but I yearn for his attention.  I want ALL of his attention - not the in between phone calls, during commercials, call to ask if I've paid a bill attention that I regularly get.  I want REAL attention, the kind I used to get, before marriage, before kids, before life happened.  I want the husband who would actually help around the house a little and not expect me to do everything myself.

I have my friends, well kind of.  I have friends but lately, everyone seems so distant.  I am told I can rely on them but when I NEED a sitter, I ask and ask and nobody is available to to help.  This isn't everytime but lately, I have had a lot of Dr. appointments and had to rely on others to help with my little guy and the help isn't available. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect everyone to drop everything to watch Levi and some of my friends I won't even ask because they have infants. I am just scared that I am going to end up on bedrest or have a c-section and have no one there.  Sure, they will drop off food but how am I going to take care of the kids and Norvin and keep it all together?

I am probably sounding overly dramatic but this pregnancy has me out of my mind!  My placenta is lying extremely low so I am on "pelvic rest" which according to my friend that is a OB Nurse Practitioner/Midwife basically means glorified bedrest.  No sex, or sexual stimulation at all, no lifting, no exercise, and should be laying down keeping stress off of my pelvis as much as possible.  Did I mention I have a 18 month old - that doesn't walk!?!!?  I have heart palpataions at least 10 times a day which I was monitored for and told it is nothing to stress over but Oh My Goodness is it Annoying!  The other thing that both my Dr and I worry about is the fact that I have an auto immune disease which causes its own problems for me outside of pregnancy.  I am tired of feeling ugly because of the gross patches of skin and terrible dandruff that I can't control!  I am also tired of crying in pain when my 1 year old bumps my fingers or my husband accidentally kicks my toes in bed.  I am so in love with the baby boy in my belly but I am also afraid of how my body is going to respond once he gets here.  Not to mention the fact that Norvin rarely helps me with children under the age of 1.  How am  I going to do this?

Sorry for the ranting but I really needed to get it off my chest.  I am going to pray, maybe that will help.

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